GAZELLEGAZELLE
During recent years we hear increasingly complaints about the sad state
of the British Columbia economy. It seems more and more entrepreneurs leave
our province to seek greener pastures east of the Rockies. And those that
are left seem to have lost their zest for creativity and new ideas. Trying
to analyse the cause, many people feel that the whole province is simply
going to the dogs.To get to the bottom of it, that’s exactly what we
did - we went to the DOGs - i.e. the Department Of Growths at the Spuzzum
Institute of Technology.
The departmental head, the top dog in other words, is a Dr. Beau Raing who
has some personal experience with stunted growth (judging from his skinny
4’11” frame). He proceeded to show us a documentary film about
another scientist with the initials CB behind his name, indicating he is
a Conception Biologist. His title could just as easily be indicated by the
acronym BC, meaning Birth Controller. Anyway, it showed this CB/BC and his
4 men team in a helicopter over Kruger park in southern Africa, looking
to administer The Pill to female elephants.When they spot a full-grown
elephant with a baby one staying close, it is fair to assume the big one
is a cow. (This scientific method of identification has been developed in
a shopping mall: if you spot a mother dragging a child by the hand, it is
fair to assume the mother is a woman). The CB/BC
then puts the cow elephant to sleepm with the use of a stun-gun firing an
anesthetic. First he carries out an ultra-sound check on the cow. Should
she be pregnant, the CB/BC leaves her alone to let nature take its course
- after all, abortion is a no-no in the elephant world. If the cow is not
pregnant, the CB injects the BC (birth control) serum, thus preventing any
further conception. After the CB/BC has left, the cow wakes up - maybe
with a slight pain in her butt, but with no recollection how it got there.
Now the DOGs at Spuzzum Institute of Technology strongly object to the current
methods of conception biology described above. Firstly because it is uneconomic
- the cost of sending out a four men team in a helicopter, equipped with
stun guns and other modern paraphernalia must cost a fortune.The second,
and major, objection is that our society is finally getting to accept that
women have themselves the right to determine wether they desire a pregnancy
or not. Not extending that right to female elephants is pure discrimination
- and the cow in this case never gave her consent to the CB/BC’s tampering
with her reproductive works. This male chauvinist practice is not longer
acceptable. The Birth Control system developed by the Spuzzum Institute
of Technology (commonly referred to as Spuzzum BC) suggests the following
method. The Conception Biologist shall do without the helicopter team. Instead,
the CB/BC must go out alone in an old pick-up (there should be a few around
here). And instead of a stun gun, the CB/BC worth his salt shall use only
gentle persuasion, talking to the elephant mano a mano. And, most
importantly, the true CB/BC shall not abuse the weaker sex. Instead of picking
on the cow, he shall take the bull by the horn so to speak, and perform
a vasectomy on the male elephant. To save more money, the CB/BC shall only
use a pair of large bricks for this operation. Facing the bull, the CB/BC
addresses the animal, speaking in a soothing and reassuring manner till
the bull moves his trunk up and down as a nod which indicates his consent.
Then the CB/BC moves to the other, the operating end and crouches under
the elephant, carrying a brick in each hand. Upon locating the bull’s
vital statistics, which are fairly visible, the CB/BC holds up his bricks
- about 3-4 feet apart, one on each side of the bull’s vitals - takes
a deep breath and braces himself to bang the bricks together with a forceful
snap. Let’s not continue drawing the picture, the result is self-evident,
usually the bull lets the CB/BC know when he hits the mark. “Doesn’t
it hurt?” you may ask. Only if you get your thumbs caught between the
bricks. But with a lot of practice this mishap may be avoided. And here
we have hit on the problem - there seem to be no CB/BC’s around that
have any experience with the Spuzzum BC system. Those that have taken the
method into practice never returned from their first field trip. The Spuzzum
Institute, however, found a relief for this shortage in Mr. Glen Clark,
who has a bunch of bricks in Victoria, and is known to be the Number One
Conception Biologist in Canada, hence his title Premier BC. For years Mr.
Clark has been practising the Spuzzum BC method on our businessmen, causing
concern, especially in the forest industry, over the ever increasing amounts
of “stumpage” he is leaving behind. Perhaps ferrying him and his
bricks in an old pick-up to Africa might do the world of good for our economy
(and it shouldn’t worry the elephants too much).
Hanky
